People Change So Friendships Will Too!
When the dynamic of a friendship changed or when the friendship ended completely, it used to wreck me. But over the years, I’ve learned so much from evolving and failing friendships.
People show you who they are
People change, therefore your relationship with them will change too
People are not perfect and they WILL let you down
Not all friendships have to be super close
Not all friendships are supposed to be in your life forever
We cause our own suffering when they end or change
I think of my friendships as rows on a (short) bus. The front row is reserved for my people. These are the ones I can depend on no matter what. They are my “ride or dies”. I have seriously vulnerable conversations with them. I can call them in the middle of the night and they will be there. I can trust them with my life. The second and third rows are for my close friends. I can trust them to an extent, but I might still be a little guarded. I can have open, real talks with them, but I don’t always go super deep. They will show up for me when I ask, but I know I can’t necessarily depend on them all the time. The last rows are for more social friends and acquaintances. I have love for them, but I don’t rely on them for a whole lot. I love hanging out with them when I can, but it may not be real often. I don’t give them as much of me because we’re just not “there”.
At any time, I can move any person to any row on the bus. There have been times that I’ve moved a front row peep to the middle or the back. I’ve moved someone from the middle up to the front and from the back up to the middle. I’ve also kicked people off the bus completely. For a long time, I tried to make everyone fit on that front row . . . and that was a fucking disaster. The front row is limited and reserved for those who earn it. I’ve learned that I don’t have the time or energy for more than 1 row of “ride or dies” and neither do you.
Recently, I was evaluating a friendship that used to be quite close. Over the last few years, she has let me down . . . during really important moments. I was proud of myself for processing each situation as they happened in real time, allowing myself to feel the emotions that came up, not blowing up, and reminding myself that there wasn’t ill intention behind it (because I really believe there wasn’t). I naturally chose to match the effort that she was giving to the friendship—which wasn’t much—and go on with my life. This is already growth on my part.
Then it hit me. Holy shit. I had a HUGE insight. The Universe sends you CLEAR signs about the match or mismatch of your friendship with a person. If you choose to ignore or resist it, you will suffer. Unfortunately, we usually choose that route, so suffer we must. And suffer we do! Let me give you 3 examples. But first, think about all the friendships that have caused you heartache over time. What if I told you that you were the one who was responsible for your own long term heartache?
Example 1: You have a friend that matches your energy. When this dynamic is in play, you typically work through things in an efficient and healthy manner. You’re both willing to have the tough conversations and do what’s needed to evolve and deepen the friendship. You listen to each other, empathize, and do your very best not to get defensive (that shit is hard). But if you do get defensive (because you’re human), you apologize. You both work towards finding a solution because you care about the other person and the friendship. The Universe is showing you that this person is pretty evenly matched. So ultimately, you’re growing together because you’re in the same phase of life and/or you’re just really vibing!
Example 2: You have a friend that USED to match your energy, but not anymore. Y’all used to be super close and you thought it would always be this way! You have so much love for one another, but lately, she’s just not showing up for you like she used to. She’s been letting you down, disappointing you, or just not putting in the effort. The friendship is no longer making you feel good and giving you what you need. You either don’t feel comfortable having the talks to resolve it or when you do have them, they just don’t go the way you want them to.
You’re holding on to hope that it will go back to the way it was, but in reality, someone in the relationship has changed—either you or your friend. And that’s not a bad thing! People grow and change and your relationship should too. The Universe sent you very clear signs that your energies are no longer matched . . . but you ignore them. You continue to force it because you love them. By doing this, you’re causing yourself suffering. You must lovingly release your expectation for the friendship to look like it used to, give up the control of trying to make it that way, and allow it to move to the next phase (which might be moving them back a row or two on the bus).
Example 3: You have a friend that has never matched your energy. This friendship, if you really think about it, has always been rocky. They really don’t make you feel good, they’re constantly hurting your feelings, and most things seem to be difficult. It’s a chore to get them to show up for you. Repairing your conflicts is painful and it often makes you wonder how you even became friends in the first place.
The Universe is clearly showing you that your energy isn’t matched with this person in this phase of your life. You hang onto this friendship and force it to be something that it isn’t. And in doing this, you suffer. As hard as it might be, you have to surrender to the facts in front of you: no friendship should be this hard. This might mean kicking them off the bus completely. OR you can try and move them to a different row first, if you would like. But the goal is to free up space for another friend whose energy is matched with yours and can give you what you need and deserve.
Why do we get so upset at someone for not giving us what we need, want, or deserve? We keep putting in the effort expecting them to reciprocate and when they don’t, we fault them. But why? They are literally showing us who they are (in this phase of their life). We’re the ones who are choosing not to believe them. We continue to put expectations on them that they are 1) not interested in fulfilling or 2) not capable of fulfilling. We’re choosing to be at the receiving end of their words and actions. And these choices are causing us pain, heartache, anger, resentment, bitterness, and sadness. We must relinquish control over what we desire for it to look like and accept what it is—a friendship that needs to transition to a different phase.
But won’t that be hard?? Yup. But which one is harder?
Long term suffering: staying close to someone who continues to disappoint you over and over again.
Short term suffering: allowing a friendship to naturally transition to the phase it’s meant to be in.
Choose your hard.
