Yes, I Have Anxiety.
I have anxiety. I’ve actually had it since college. Shit got real during sophomore year when I had my first panic attack. I legit thought I was dying. My heart was beating out of my chest and I thought it was either going to explode or stop beating altogether. I was absolutely convinced. I felt very “out of my body”. To say I was terrified is an understatement. I’ve had many panic attacks and they’re still just as scary. To this day, even though I know exactly what is happening, I still have moments where I think I’m dying. It’s stupid.
I don’t know exactly where mine came from because it wasn’t triggered by a traumatic event. It started when I was experimenting with drugs while partying. Since they can change the chemical makeup of your brain, my best guess is that they’re the culprit. Thankfully, anxiety has never been an every day occurrence for me. And I’m happy to say that with maturity and effort, my overall spells have lessened. I know many people struggle with it so I’m sharing my experience. Maybe it helps someone learn how to cope or maybe it just reminds someone that they aren’t alone. Y’all know I’m not a doctor so I can’t provide medical advice, but I can tell you the tools that help me. You may think it’s silly that I reminded you that I’m not a doctor, but someone might comment some bullshit about how I don’t know what I’m saying because I’m not in the medical field, blah, blah, blah. So I’m beating them to the punch.
Anxiety shows up differently for me depending on the day and the circumstance, so I believe it might also be this way for others. Here are some examples. I usually wake up anxious after a night of heavy drinking—especially if I didn’t have enough time to sleep it off. It can be triggered by nervousness before heading to a place or an event. Thoughts about the future can produce it. At times, I have an irregular heartbeat which sends my head briefly spiraling until it beats normally again. Too much caffeine causes it. Sometimes it pops up completely out of the blue for no good reason.
And the panic attacks can come out of nowhere—or so it seems. When those fuckers appear, I have to be left alone for a bit so I can find my way back to reality. I’m in a very vulnerable position so I don’t like being around people. Plus, I’m sure I look like a scared beast in the wild. Outside of my husband, the only other living being that made me feel safe during my panic attacks was my pit bull, Dakota. She knew immediately what was happening and wouldn’t leave my side. Her presence was calming for me. I miss her so much. In the midst of an attack, my head tells me that I’m being judged and at any moment someone is going to tell me to stop being a sissy. I realize afterward that this is ridiculous because Bobby would never and Dakota can’t talk. But y’all . . . my head does some crazy shit.
After college, I started taking an anti-depressant to help with symptoms. It worked, but I was unconcerned with everything. I was living so far in happy land that people would pick fights with me to get a reaction. Why? They missed my passion. I was so compliant and agreeable—and we allllll know that’s not me. When enough people brought it to my attention, I chose (with the doctor) to ween myself off. I decided to use a more natural approach, but I wasn’t successful. There were still too many times that I felt out of control. I finally accepted that using a pharmaceutical on occasion could actually help me. Then I gave myself permission to be okay with it. I made a promise to myself that I would find the right one and not be completely dependent on it. Benzodiazepines have been a game changer in situations when nothing else gives me relief. I may take them two days in a row or not at all for weeks. My point is that I take them as needed. Please keep in mind that I don’t have an addictive personality and I am FULL of self discipline so this is what works for me. You must know yourself and have an honest conversation about dependency when deciding on medication.
As for how I cope on an everyday basis, meditation has by far been my biggest ally. I try to meditate every single day. That doesn’t always happen, but I do it as often as I can. If I miss a few days, I can totally tell the difference. Meditation slows my heart rate and my mind. It gives me a sense of ease, calm, and balance. It’s made me a better person because I’ve become more acquainted with Lindsay—who I am at my core, my thoughts, my emotions, what I do and don’t want, need, and deserve, how I feel in my body, and what’s most important in my life. It’s taught me the meaning of mindfulness and gratitude. Meditation doesn’t look the same for everyone. It’s really just about sitting with yourself in silence without distraction. You’re allowing your mind, body, and soul to just “be” in that moment. When you sit still, it’s surprising the things you learn about yourself and your life.
Meditation sets the foundation for everything else I do to manage my anxiety. It also makes me BETTER at doing all of them. The following are other tools I use to manage my anxiety. Keep in mind that it varies from day to day on what works. Breathing. I just stop and breathe—in and out, over and over again until I don’t need to anymore. I may even say to myself, “Breathe in. Breathe out.” It clears my mind and calms my body. It helps me find my way back to the present. When I feel anxiety about dumb shit I’m imagining (you know, future scenarios that haven’t happened and probably won’t happen), I stop and have a little conversation with myself. I might say something like, “Yo. What in the hell are you thinking about?? You are literally fantasizing about something that’s not real and you’re getting all worked up over nothing but thoughts. Where are you? What are you doing? Turn your focus to that and enjoy your real life—the one that’s happening right now.” This can pull me out of the anxiety producing thoughts and back to the present. Sometimes it’s a quick conversation and other times it’s longer.
My beloved yoga. When you take a class, you must BE there—in the room, on your mat, in the pose, in your body, and with your breath. The moment your mind wanders, you’re forced to pull it back immediately in order to continue. Years of yoga has strengthened my focus, breath, and mindfulness while allowing me to become more in tune with my body. What does that have to do anxiety? Well you’re spending one hour of your day concentrating on breathing, being present, moving your body with intention, and maintaining focus. They are all things that reduce anxiety and the hours add up. The more you do it, the more acquainted your body gets to feeling like this, and the quicker you can get it back here when you need to.
Finally, I cut back on my drinking. That’s pretty self explanatory. I just don’t drink as much as I used to. When I do go out and porty (party is spelled with an “o” when I’m getting after it), I anticipate anxiety the following morning. Fellow friends with anxiety, listen to this one. I know it’s a tough pill to swallow but must trust me. Ultimately, when I realize my anxiety has taken over, it’s my job to figure out how to get myself back in control. The mind and body are connected. My mind can tell my body that something is wrong—or vice versa—and the response is anxiety. It’s then up to me to get them working together on feeling safe, grounded, and back to the present moment.
I try my best to prevent my anxiety altogether, but unfortunately, that’s something I may never master. While it’s gotten much better over the years, I’ve accepted that it will always be there—kinda like an annoying roommate just waiting for the opportunity to provoke you. For all my friends that experience anxiety, I feel you—literally. I’ve heard people say, “Anxiety is all in your head”, but they couldn’t be more wrong. It’s very real and can take over your entire body and mind. But in the same breath, the goal is to get “out of your head” and back into your body and the present moment.
