Let's Talk About Toxic People
We’ve all experienced toxic people. They’re the ones who take and take without ever giving anything in return. The people who drag you down with their negativity. You dread conversations with them because they only talk about themselves. They rarely stop to ask, “How are you?” The Judge Judys who sit around and gossip about others that aren’t present. The people who don’t take responsibility for their own actions and never apologize because they do nothing wrong. The insecure people who think poorly about themselves so they break others down in order to make themselves feel better. And how about the ones that never share in your successes?
These are just a few examples, but as you were reading I’ll bet a few people came to mind. They’re co-workers, friends, acquaintances, people from your social media, and even family. Just one interaction with them can totally ruin our day (or week). So why do we keep them around? Maybe we truly care for them. Or we think we can help them. Perhaps they went through a hard time so we feel sorry for them. Maybe they’re super dramatic and we selfishly enjoy the entertainment they provide (don’t even try to act like you haven’t done this one). They might possibly be a childhood friend or family member so you feel obligated. Or maybe we have no idea why!
Here’s the truth: It’s GUILT.
1.) We don’t want to hurt their feelings. We know we need to cut ties, but it’s complicated. How do we do it without making them feel bad? We have a connection to them and that connection links to our emotions. We feel some kind of way about them and we don’t want to hurt people that we have a connection to, right? It would make us feel guilty so we keep holding on . . . most of the time for waaaay longer than we need to.
2.) We complain about them, avoid them, and even sacrifice our mood and feelings because it’s way easier than being honest with them. Ugh, even thinking about having that conversation makes you cringe. So we just keep putting up with their bullshit because we’d rather do that than be uncomfortable for the time it would take to end it. We know it’s going to make us feel guilty so we just avoid it. Humans are weird AF.
Quick lesson about toxic people: They usually have their own stress and unhealed traumas they refuse to acknowledge. Because they aren’t taking care of it, it disrupts their life. Therefore, they want to disrupt the life of others. They can’t help themselves. Not doing the work to heal themselves can leave them feeling unhappy and make them behave in ways that don’t present them in the best light. They mistreat and upset almost everyone in their path. They don’t know how to have a healthy relationship, nor are they interested in trying. But here’s the bottom line . . . until they make the decision to help themselves, nothing will change. So there’s nothing you, my friend, can do to help them. They are going to drain you dry as long as you let them. You cannot control them, but you can control how you allow them to show up in your life.
We’ve all heard the saying “people either come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime”. It’s so effing true. The lifetimers . . . they’re your ride or die people. The ones you can always count on. No matter what happens, you always figure it out. But they’re a very small bunch. We have this expectation that everyone will be lifetimer, but that’s not how shit works. All relationships are in your life to serve a purpose. Some show up briefly with a specific intention (reason) while some stay for a longer period of time (season). They drop in, serve their purpose, and then we’re supposed to move on.
Speaking from experience, that’s easier said than done. I went through the ringer a few years ago. Several relationships I had with important women ended within the span of 2 years. Ouch. That was a tough time. I kept holding on to them because I just knew they were lifetimers (which wasn’t the case). To be clear, they weren’t toxic people, but at a certain point, the relationships became toxic. The toxicity was a huge red flag from the Universe that it was time to take it on down the road. I was doing so much personal growth and my life was transitioning in a big way. It was hard to see that I had outgrown the relationship, their purpose in my life had been served, and the Universe was trying to clear out space for the next round of beautiful people and things to enter my life. But when I finally let go, did my grieving, and opened my heart, my life shifted in the most exciting way.
I gave that example because I want to demonstrate that by keeping toxic people and relationships around, you’re messing with the flow! The Universe has another person lined up to come into your life but it can’t happen until there’s an opening. You have no idea who it might be and what THEIR purpose for your life will be. You’re missing out on something great, so free up your time and energy! Plus, removing that person will eliminate so much negativity. Negativity that you know doesn’t make you feel good. You can’t keep dismissing your feelings to accommodate theirs. The way you feel is just as important.
I realize letting go is much easier for some people than it is for others. And I’m totally not discounting how hard it will be. But honey, you were built to do hard things! Believe that you know what’s best for you and make the move. Everyone has a different approach to doing this so I can’t give you advice on how to handle it for yourself. I can only tell you to do it in the way that gives you peace and closure. At this point, you’ve been allowing them to come first for so long now that it’s time to put you, your feelings, your needs, and your energy first. Trust me on this one. Someone or something better is waiting to take up allllll that time and energy you’ve been giving away to the wrong person. Don’t keep them waiting for too long. Take a deep breath and just let them go.
