Forgiveness of Yourself and Others: Part 1
Do you hold onto resentment? After looking up the definition of the word “forgive”, only one stood out: to cease to feel resentment against. Does this resonate with you too? Maybe because you thought about someone you resent because you still haven’t been able to forgive them. Or maybe because of all the resentment you have towards yourself. I used to believe that releasing resentment was the goal of forgiveness, but not anymore.
When I was younger, I never forgave people. I was the Queen of holding grudges and revenge. However, I somehow found it easy to forgive myself. Perhaps it’s because I couldn’t completely cut ties with myself like I could with others (hahaha!). Regardless, I was okay with it until my self-discovery journey showed me that allllll that resentment was actually doing me more harm than good. In part 1, I’ll address the forgiveness of others. While it’s not going to help you forgive overnight, I hope it challenges your intention of forgiveness.
What’s my definition of forgiveness? For me, forgiveness is acceptance of a hurtful happening, letting go of thoughts that anything can be different, and surrendering to all the emotions it has caused so you can restore your inner peace. When you feel that someone has hurt or betrayed you, you may no longer feel safe with them. This triggers chaos within yourself. The constant thoughts and overwhelming emotions that follow can last for a very long time. You get worked up emotionally every time you replay the event in your head. You continue to replay it in search of clarity . . . but you never find it. In reality, your inner peace is disturbed and you’re just looking to calm the internal chaos.
Did you notice my defintion didn’t mention anything about the other person? Because believe it or not, your forgiveness of someone else is more about you than it is about them. It took me a long time to really understand this. My thoughts looked like this, “How could they do that to me? After all we’ve been through. Who do they think they are? Fuck them. How did I allow this to happen? I’ll guarantee they won’t do this to me again. How dare they? I’ll show them. I’ll make sure they pay for hurting me like this.” Does any of this sound familiar?
I was constantly focused on the act of hurt and betrayal against me. I was in disbelief that a person I trusted could do that to me. But why? We’re talking about a human being. Humans make mistakes. Humans can be self-serving and reactive. Humans can be broken and mean. It just is what it is. The real question became, “Why am I allowing the behavior of another human being determine what I think and how I feel in MY body??” If the ultimate goal of forgiveness is to release resentment, then I have a high mountain to climb. It’s hard to forget the raw emotions of a hurtful event . . . especially if I feel them all over again when I think about it.
I CANNOT control what that person did to me or how they made me feel in the moment, but I CAN control what I do about it after the fact. I CAN control whether or not I let them do it to me again. I CAN control what I think and how I feel in my body. This is when I shifted my goal of forgiveness from releasing resentment to restoring my inner peace. Every time I thought about that person or event, replayed it in my head, or wished it would have happened differently, I got so mad. I didn’t want that to happen anymore. I wanted that internal chaos to cease. I wanted to be able to think about that person or event without it disrupting my inner peace. This is what forgiveness became for me.
Let me tell you what . . . there’s almost nothing harder than forgiving someone who isn’t sorry or doesn’t feel they’ve done anything wrong. But you know what they did hurt you. Their behavior is on them. It should have taught you a valuable lesson about who they are. If you allow them to hurt you over and over again afterward (this includes holding on to that hurt), that’s on you.
How do I forgive someone else? The answer to this is different for everyone. But as long as your goal is focused more on releasing negative thoughts and emotions around the situation so you feel more at peace and less on things like resentment, holding onto hurt and anger, revenge, and being right, you may get there in your own time. Here are some steps that can help you:
Allow yourself to be hurt, angry, or sad. Your feelings are valid. Even though it’s not fun, make sure you feel them fully (don’t push them away) so they can process through your body. Talking and writing can help. Don’t skip the cry. If it comes up, let it come out. Once you feel like you’ve done this, move on to the next step. Do not get lost here—living in these negative emotions keeps you stuck on not forgiving.
Accept it. Whatever happened actually did happen. No matter how much you replay it in your head and wish it would have happened differently . . . it didn’t. Replay the scenario only to learn from it and prevent a similar situation in the future. When you find yourself trying to change the outcome or wishing it would’ve looked a certain way, stop yourself, close your eyes, take a deep breath and say, “It happened and I can’t change it. All I can do is learn from it and move on.”
Try compassion. I use Maya Angelou’s quote for a lot of things, but it especially works in this scenario . . . “When you know better, you do better.” Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Maybe they don’t know better, weren’t taught how to be better, or are going through a shitty time in their life. We’re not excusing their behavior. We’re simply saying that if a person isn’t capable of something, expecting it from them will always leave you disappointed. A little compassion helps you see them for what they are . . . a human being that’s not perfect.
Give yourself permission to fucking let it go. It IS possible. Spoiler alert—you’re in pain. Holding onto hurtful things is a protection mechanism and a reminder to not allow it to happen again. But staying in this place for too long intensifies the hurt. Every time you go back there, it’s like reopening the wound. By letting it go, you’re not saying that what they did is okay (because it’s not). . . you’re simply saying that you gave it all the time it’s worth and you would rather move on than stay stuck.
Set boundaries. Forgive, but do not forget how they hurt you. LEARN from the experience. The most important thing to remember here is this: you no longer feel safe with this person. Is there something you can do to protect yourself and feel safe with this person again? If so, use that to set a proper boundary in your relationship to prevent the same thing from happening again. If there isn’t, place a big enough boundary that keeps them completely away. You can forgive someone and not want them back in your life.
Ask yourself this one simple question: What can l do to restore my mind and heart back to a place of calm around this situation?
Remember, your answer should be something that’s completely within your control. The answer CANNOT be something that the other person can or may do for you . . . because you simply have no control over that. If you sit around and wait for that to happen before you forgive, it may not ever happen. The other person is NOT responsible for how you think and feel—you are. Don’t ever give someone else that much power over you. Take your power back and handle the business within yourself.
After you have walked through the steps, the answer to this question is ultimately your key for forgiveness against that person.
What’s one thing that helped me the most? For me, talking and writing are very powerful ways to process my emotions. When there weren’t opportunities to talk to the other person, I wrote a letter that I never planned on sending. I got out everything I wanted to say. While writing, I got angry, sad, overwhelmed, and frustrated. I cried my eyes out. I allowed everything I was feeling to come up and out so it was no longer inside affecting me. When I gave my thoughts a voice, my mind became less busy and distraught. Once I cleared out my emotions, they were no longer clouding my judgment.
This allowed me to answer that question from a place of heartfelt serenity.