Keeping It Real
Real. Genuine. Authentic. True. Not fake. There are lots of way to say it, but it all means the same thing. We crave it from the people we interact with. We can usually feel when someone isn’t giving it to us. Well, maybe not at first because people are good at wearing masks, but it always comes to light eventually. We don’t necessarily appreciate when someone isn’t being authentic. The interaction feels false and we often feel deceived. Human beings are wired for connection and real connection isn’t something you can fabricate. So if we’re wired for it, why do struggle so hard to find it?
Unfortunately, humans also have a basic fear of rejection. Here’s where shit gets complicated. This fear of rejection causes people to pretend to be someone they’re not, suppress their actual feelings and opinions—especially from those close to them, imitate a life they think others want to see, spend stupid amounts of money for brands just to fit in, and treat others poorly all to get the approval of others. It even keeps people from striving for greatness because there’s always a chance they won’t succeed. They would rather not try than experience any kind of uncomfortable disapproval. We’re so weird!
This presents quite a conundrum, doesn’t it? We’re all beautiful and unique in our own ways, but society doesn’t necessarily celebrate that. It’s pushing for all of us to be the same. If we’re constantly worried about fitting in, we’re not going to be ourselves because those differences might make us stand out. If we stand out, people might not understand or appreciate it. This could lead them to reject us. And THAT is far too painful. The response: No thank you, I’d rather pretend so I can stay safe and protected.
Well, fuck. How are we supposed to get that beautiful, authentic human connection if we can’t fully be ourselves? The answer: we don’t. So why isn’t this something we’re all striving to have more of every day? I have two guesses. The first is that the fear of rejection outweighs the desire for human connection. The second is that people don’t really know what it feels like to have that real connection with another human. I feel fortunate because I experience it on a daily basis with many people in my life. I can also experience it with someone I’ve just met. I’ve been like this my entire life. My secret? I keep it real. I am always unapologetically me. I rarely waiver from my authentic self. This gives other people the permission to be their authentic self. When all parties in the interaction are keeping it real, sparks fly.
In order for you to feel the sparks, you must be willing to be vulnerable. My definition of vulnerability (for this purpose) is: consciously choosing to reveal your genuine emotions, thoughts, and opinions to others regardless of their response. As Brené Brown would say, this takes a lot of courage because vulnerability could mean putting yourself in the position to be rejected. It’s risky. But true vulnerability is willing to accept these consequences no matter what. Yes, you will turn people off because they don’t agree. You will definitely lose people along the way. There will be rejection. But you must remember that the payoff is worth it.
The payoff is having someone truly know, understand, and love you. They’re aware of your flaws and accept you anyway. It’s finding your people. It’s not having to pretend with anyone. It’s self love and acceptance. It’s freedom. Think of the process of being vulnerable and possibly getting rejected as research. It’s trial and error to find out who’s going to see the real you and sign up anyway. Do you think you can avoid rejection if you pretend? Nope. While you’re pretending to be someone else, that person is connecting to who you are presenting. To who they THINK you are. It’s an illusion. And a false connection. The minute you start to let the real you peek through, there will be confusion from the other party, “Who the hell is this?” Cue their rejection because you are not who they thought you were. Believe me, you can only wear that mask for so long.
Rejection sucks. I’ve been rejected (a lot) so I get it. When I think back to the people who rejected me, I think about how my life would be now with them in it. It wouldn’t be what it is. If you’re one of those people, THANK YOU. It freed up space for the RIGHT people. It confirmed that my authentic self is worthy because she has attracted the most bad ass humans. Those people are the ones I experience that real connection with on a regular basis. You see, pretending isn’t an option because if you can’t accept ME, then you don’t belong in my life. Plain and simple. I want you to start looking at it this way. Everything about you is on purpose. Nothing about you is an accident. It’s perfect. And if someone else doesn’t see your value, THAT’S OKAY. Chalk it up to research. Move on knowing that it might be the next person that does. Keep it real ALWAYS. You never know who you might be missing out on the one time you don’t.
