How to Spot a Co-Dependent Before They Drain You Dry
This is also a survival guide for ambitious women who don’t have the energy for relationships that feel like a full time job.
There’s sooooo much to unpack when it comes to co-dependency, but in this blog, I want to focus on the negative patterns as well as give you concrete ways to spot them. I’ve seen it up close for years — I used to attract co-dependent people like flies, honey. And honestly, I believe we all have some co-dependent tendencies. I see mine clear as day and have been working hard to dismantle them. However, there are people who are full-blown co-dependent, and some of them can really wreak havoc on their relationships.
If you’ve ever found yourself exhausted, frustrated, or questioning why a relationship feels so draining, this is for you. A lot of times, you don’t even realize co-dependency is at play until it’s taken a toll on your energy, time, and peace of mind. You replay it after the fact and start feeling hoodwinked. Especially if you’re an ambitious woman who’s too damn tired of relationships that feel like emotional part-time jobs. And tired of being the one holding everything (and everyone) together. AND too focused on her goals to get caught up in someone else’s drama.
Over many years, I’ve noticed patterns, repeated behaviors, and red flags that make it easier to spot co-dependency — and I want to help you avoid getting caught in the chaos. But believe me, it’s sometimes hard to spot until you’re in it, feel like you can’t get out, or have been discarded out of nowhere.
If you can start using these 10 key traits as a guide, they will help you understand what’s really going on so you can protect yourself from getting caught in a co-dependent person’s unhealthy patterns.
1. They confuse intensity for intimacy. THIS is the one that always got me. Looking back, it’s also the trait that can be spotted the earliest. Co-dependent people often mistake emotional intensity for genuine connection. For them, a deep bond must feel urgent, dramatic, or all-consuming to be “real.” This looks like a strong desire to know everything about you or to tell you everything about themselves immediately. It feels super flattering at first!! I remember thinking, “Omg! This person really wants to be my friend!” They usually want your relationship to move at a rapid pace — to create a sense of closeness that feels fast and intense. But you see, real connection, built on mutual trust and understanding, develops over time. If someone is pouring their heart and soul out really quickly and expects you to do the same, perk your ears up. And if they get upset when you don’t, that could be a big red flag.
2. They move quickly into emotional dependence. They start giving you a lot of their energy and focus very soon after you meet. They attach to you so fast you don’t see it coming! While you’re feeling flattered by the attention, their sense of well-being becomes tied to you almost immediately. They begin to rely on you for attention, compliments, validation, reassurance, and emotional stability far earlier than what’s healthy. This creates a dynamic where their moods, confidence, and how they feel about themselves is contingent on your presence or responses. They literally look to you for almost everything! I believe they subconsciously do this because the faster they pull you in, the less time you have to create healthy boundaries — which they despise (more about that in #7 ). In essence, your relationship escalates fast, BUT also ends abruptly when the dynamic shifts. This leaves you out in the cold confused as to what happened!
3. They latch onto one person at a time. You usually become the center of their universe, and they don’t focus quite as much on others. Your relationship takes on an intensity that feels both consuming and fragile. They usually adjust their behavior to avoid conflict and could even feel anxious if you pull away. This “all-in” pattern often stems from a deep fear of abandonment or being alone. It drives them to invest everything into your bond in hopes it will make them feel secure. But as soon as you’re not valuable to them or they find someone more valuable, they will detach from you and reattach to someone else. And it happens fast.
4. While attached to you, they will expect you to fix their problems. Once co-dependent individuals become emotionally attached, they often shift the burden of their issues onto you. They may expect you to solve their problems, manage their emotions, or provide constant guidance and reassurance. This isn’t just asking for help — it’s relying on you to regulate their well-being (often before the relationship has a solid, healthy foundation). It feels overwhelming and exhausting! It might seem like they’re being caring or vulnerable, but what’s really happening is they’re pulling you into a one-sided dynamic where you’re expected to show up for them in a big way. But guess what? As soon as you need them to show up for you, it’s not reciprocal.
5. They need constant reassurance or closeness. This one speaks for itself. If I could add anything, it would be this: what they’re really longing for isn’t constant contact because they fancy you — it’s a sense of safety they think you can provide for them. In reality, they just haven’t learned to provide this for themselves.
6. They fear abandonment or rejection deeply. This one is huge. At the core of co-dependency lies a profound fear of being left, forgotten, or viewed as unworthy of love. They carry a deep wound around rejection — one that makes them hyper-aware of moments when you seem distant or disconnected. Even small changes in your communication, tone of voice, or behavior can trigger panic or self-blame in them. They’ll do almost anything to preserve connection. But here’s the kicker: they can only break free from this when they start to heal and trust that they will still be whole even if someone pulls away. But unfortunately, this work is usually not being done (sigh).
7. They read boundaries as rejection or punishment. For someone who’s co-dependent, boundaries can feel threatening instead of healthy. They see them as proof you don’t care. When another person says “no,” needs space, or simply prioritizes their own well-being, it can be misinterpreted as rejection, disapproval, or even punishment. Because their sense of security depends so heavily on your closeness and approval, any distance feels like abandonment. Instead of recognizing boundaries as a normal and loving part of healthy connection, they may internalize them as confirmation that they’ve done something wrong. They will usually start to “punish you back” or pull away if you start enforcing boundaries. AND they’re on the hunt for the next person to latch onto.
8. They have weak or inconsistent boundaries themselves. I’ve already discussed how they tend to overshare or expect you to be overly open right away (big indicator that someone has weak boundaries). In general, they struggle to see where they end and you begin. Their boundaries are constantly shifting depending on the situation or emotional state they’re in. Sometimes, they may give too much of themselves. Other times, they swing to the opposite extreme, withdrawing completely when they feel hurt or unappreciated. They’re scared that boundaries will cost them love so they do what it takes to steer clear of them – when it comes to themselves and others.
9. They don’t know who they are without someone else. Their sense of identity depends on being “needed” or “chosen” by you. They struggle big time with independence too. Doing things alone feels lonely, not empowering. It’s usually difficult to make decisions, pursue goals, or even feel comfortable without external validation. It’s as if their value only exists in the context of your relationship and their self-worth becomes entangled with your approval. Call it an attachment, fixation, or preoccupation, but it’s for sure unhealthy.
10. They seek validation through caretaking or pleasing. Here’s something that may play over and over in their head: “If I make them happy, they won’t leave.” Co-dependent people often measure their worth by how much they can do for you. They think that the more they help or fix, the more they feel seen, appreciated, or “worthy.” They may feel anxious or guilty if they don’t step in to help, even if it’s inconvenient or harmful to themselves. This keeps them trapped in a cycle of overgiving and self-neglect. And while in this cycle, they may blame you for feeling exhausted or resentful, ignoring that they are the ones that have put themselves in that situation.
Knowing the signs early can save you heartbreak, stress, and endless frustration. Trust me. It took my ass a VERY long time to be able to spot these people. But it’s safe to say that the likelihood of me getting pulled back into one of these dynamics is slim.
At the end of the day, awareness is your greatest protection. You can’t control who shows up — but you can control who gets to stay and how they get to participate in your life.